Why do siblings fight?

If your kids fight a lot, you're not alone – and it's not necessarily a sign that something's wrong.

"Some sibling fighting and conflict is absolutely normal, and even healthy," says Adrienne Hunnicutt, PsyD, Psychologist at Children's Health℠. "But if your kids are spending more of the day in conflict than not, then it’s time to pause and consider other strategies."

Dr. Hunnicutt shares why siblings fight more than friends, how conflict shifts with age and tips parents can use to help siblings get along better.

Why do siblings fight so much?

Reasons siblings fight and experience sibling rivalry include:

• Proximity. Siblings typically spend far more time together in the same space than friends do.

• Shared resources. Bedrooms, bathrooms, toys and parents' attention are all things kids have to learn to share – and that doesn't come naturally.

• Feeling safe. Siblings are often a child's first experience negotiating conflict with someone they trust. And that helps them build skills for healthy relationships later in life.

Separating conflict from violence

It’s important for parents to distinguish conflict from violence. Conflict is a mutual disagreement over wants, needs or interests. Violence is a one-sided use of force, intimidation or cruelty to hurt someone.

"Our role as parents is to keep kids safe – and to intervene when things escalate," Dr. Hunnicutt says.

If siblings like to physically roughhouse or wrestle, it’s OK to give them 5 minutes to get their feelings out and then have them go to their separate corners. But make sure roughhousing happens somewhere safe – not on bunk beds, stairs or other places where someone could get hurt.

And if one child consistently gets hurt because another child is intentionally trying to physically harm them, parents need to:

1. Make sure the harmed child is OK.

2. Have a private conversation with the child causing harm about violence not being OK and the need for increased boundaries and supervision.

Factors that increase conflict among siblings

Factors that may cause siblings to fight more include:

• More time together. Summer break and family vacations mean more hours together, so conflict shows up more.

• Lack of routine. Kids typically experience better emotional regulation when they have a routine and are getting quality sleep.

• Transitions. Kids often act out more right before a big change. "The week before school is always rough on everybody. But usually, after two weeks any anxiety around the transition diminishes,” says Dr. Hunnicutt.

• Similar ages or temperaments. It can seem counterintuitive, but kids who are close in age or alike in personality often clash more because they often want the same things.

• Birth order dynamics. Older siblings sometimes take on a caretaker role – which can build resentment. With siblings who are two to three years apart, it’s important to be mindful that the older child may not be developmentally ready to manage a younger sibling's big emotions.

• How parents model conflict. Kids pick up on how parents handle disagreements – and often mirror it. Try reflecting on your parenting style and your own conflict resolution skills.

Does sibling fighting change with age?

The way – and how often – kids fight can shift with age.

• For toddlers: Frequent, physical conflict is common because toddler process everything physically.

• For school-age kids: A dip is physical aggression is common because kids learn not to fight at school.

• For preteen and teen girls: An increase in conflict (often emotional) is common because hormonal changes during puberty can make them feel dysregulated.

• For preteen and teen boys: An increase in conflict (often physical) is common because there’s a combination of growing physical strength and big emotions.

How to stop siblings from fighting

These six tips can help siblings get along better.

Tip #1: Narrate your own feelings and model repair

Model the process of coping that you want your kids to use.

• When you're getting frustrated, verbalize it and then step away if needed. You might say something like:I'm starting to get frustrated. I can feel myself getting angry, but I'm not going to yell because that hurts people. I'm going to step away and take a few deep breaths.

• Debrief an argument over a meal, in front of your kids, to model repair. You might say something like: Mom and dad had a rough day yesterday. I was feeling really hurt when your dad did this, and so I chose to react by yelling. I'm sorry my behavior wasn't helpful.

Tip #2: Find a coping strategy that works for each child

When emotions run high, different coping strategies work for different kids. Try to find what works best for each individual child.

Possible coping strategies include:

• Giving them a fidget toy

• Drawing a picture of their feelings

• Giving them a hug

• Having them take five minutes to themselves

• Doing breathing exercises

• Allow them to cry

Tip #3: Use visuals

• For younger kids: Teach them about emotions using “feelings thermometers” or a "volcano chart’ can help them identify where they are emotionally – before things escalate. Download one of these on the internet and post it on your fridge or other common space.

• For older kids: Post a list of coping strategies in a common space that you can point to when things get heated.

Tip #4: Know when it’s time to step in

If there's no safety concern, it's often OK to let a sibling disagreement play out on its own.

But you do need to identify certain phrases or behavior that signals it is time to intervene. For example:

• A sibling disagreement leads to one child saying: "I hate you."

• You press pause on the whole interaction.

• You have everyone take 3 deep breaths and separate to calm down.

• Later, when everyone is calm, you problem solve.

Tip #5: Listen to both sides of the story

It's common for parents to put all the responsibility on the older sibling.

"But in conflict, everybody did something – even if some parts are smaller than others,” says Dr. Hunnicutt.

By always listening to both sides of the story, you help:

• Foster kindness and empathy

• Prevent kids from feeling like one of their siblings is “the favorite”

Tip #6: Focus on problem-solving, not forced apologies

Making kids say sorry on the spot does not actually teach them to problem solve. And you can’t force kids to feel sorry, especially if they still feel angry.

Instead, once everyone is calm (which may be the next day) walk through what happened and ask your kids how you could have handled it differently next time.

How to stop siblings from fighting and reduce conflict

You can reduce sibling rivalry and conflict if you:

• Give siblings time apart. Siblings who do the same activities or have the same friend groups tend to have more conflict. When possible, give your kids opportunities to be apart. It can help the time they do spend together be more peaceable.

• Give each child one-on-one attention. Just 10 minutes a few times a week with each child can help reduce siblings' subconscious competition for attention. Try going for a short walk together, watching a TV show, doing a puzzle or reading a chapter of a book together.

• Retire troubling toys or objects. If the same toy continually causes conflict, put it away – and let kids help decide what to do instead.

• Give everyone a role. Age-appropriate chores and responsibilities can foster independence – even for toddlers. When everyone has responsibilities, it can also reduce jealousy or the feeling that one child always handles more than their share.

• Talk through conflict in movies or shows. Many kids' movies (like “Encanto” or “The Lion King”) include examples of conflict and repair. Ask your kids what the characters in a movie or TV show could have done differently to help build their problem-solving skills.

Signs a child may need more support

It may be time for additional support if:

• You feel overwhelmed by how often your kids are fighting.

• Conflict has increased a lot in the past year.

• A teacher or other caregiver notices aggressive behavior or more conflict than is typical.

• Your child consistently does not take ownership of their behavior during conflict – even when calm.

"Parenting can be stressful," Dr. Hunnicutt says. "If you’re concerned about your kid, reach out to your child's pediatrician or teacher first. They see your kids consistently and have a lot of expertise. Together, you can decide if support from a behavioral health expert might be a good idea.

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