Grief support information for children

It is important to be aware that children grieve differently than adults due to variations in their developmental levels. A child’s understanding of death develops and modifies as they get older, and although parents are often concerned by an increase in grief-related behaviors at random times for years after the death, this is a normal reaction to maturation.

Children's Health℠ is here to help. Listed below are typical reactions often observed throughout childhood.

• Infants (birth to 12 months old)

  Developmental reactions to death

  • Infants do not have the cognitive ability to understand death.
  • Infants often mirror the reactions of caregivers.
  • Infants may feel a sense of separation when someone close to them dies and experience anxiety due to this separation.
  • Infants may display disturbed sleeping and eating patterns.
  • Infants may demonstrate increased fussiness.

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  Ways to support

  • Provide physical contact and positive touch, such as holding, rocking, and cuddling to help your infant feel secure and safe.
  • Meet your infant’s immediate needs for food, sleep, and positive touch.
  • Help your infant self-soothe through the use of swaddling, placing their hands near their face, and using comfort items, such as a pacifier or favorite toy.
  • Maintain a consistent routine to increase your infant's trust and sense of safety.

• Toddlers (1 - 3 years old)

  Developmental reactions to death

  • Toddlers do not have the cognitive ability to understand death.
  • Toddlers are aware of the separation from their sibling.
  • Toddlers may cry longer and harder than usual when a parent or primary caregiver is away from them.
  • Toddlers may exhibit regressive behaviors such as thumb-sucking, bedwetting, or a need for diapers even if they are already potty-trained.
  • Toddlers may demonstrate "clingy" behaviors and need to be close to parents or primary caregivers more than usual.

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  Ways to support

  • Meet your toddler’s immediate needs for food, sleep, and positive touch.
  • Provide positive physical contact and support.
  • Although it may be difficult, show understanding and have patience with changes in your child’s behavior.
  • Allow your child to regress in their behaviors and actions because they may find comfort in them- these are usually only temporary.
  • It is important not to "shame" or "punish" your child for these reactions.
  • Maintain a consistent routine to increase your child’s trust and sense of safety.
  • Provide toddlers with appropriate stimulation, play, and distraction.

• Pre-schoolers (3 - 5 years old)

  Developmental reactions to death

  • Pre-schoolers may understand death as “temporary” and “reversible,” like in cartoons.
  • Pre-schoolers may view death as “sleeping.”
  • Pre-schoolers may demonstrate a fear of being separated from their loved ones.
  • Pre-schoolers may display regressive behaviors such as thumb-sucking, bedwetting, and a need to always be around caregivers.
  • Preschoolers may fear they will "catch" the illness from their sibling and become sick or die.
  • Pre-schoolers may feel like their thoughts or wishes have caused their sibling’s death.
  • Pre-schoolers may exhibit attention-seeking behaviors to get their caregivers’ attention or may become uninterested in play activities altogether.

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  Ways to support

  • Give age-appropriate information about your child's illness and/or medical condition.
  • Provide concrete information about death to help correct misconceptions.
  • Answer questions honestly and with age-appropriate words.
  • Reassure your child that what happened was not their fault.
  • Allow your child to keep mementos or tangible items to remember their sibling.
  • Maintain a consistent routine to increase your child’s trust and sense of safety.
  • Spend one-on-one time with your child doing simple activities, such as reading a book, coloring, or sharing a meal together.

• School age (6 - 8 years old)

  Developmental reactions to death

  • Children at this age understand that death is final.
  • Children at this age may express interest in the biology of death.
  • Children at this age may act brave, become the “perfect child,” become withdrawn, and/or act out.
  • Children at this age may worry about other family members dying.

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  Ways to support

  • Give age-appropriate information about your child's death that is honest, short, and concrete.
  • Encourage questions, share concerns, and talk about feelings.
  • It can be helpful to use books, games, and art to help your child express their grief.
  • It is important for this age group to keep a routine and continue going to school to help with consistency.
  • Make sure your child knows who will be taking care of them (i.e., picking them up, helping with homework, etc.).
  • Let important people in your child’s life (such as teachers, counselors, pastors, or coaches) know about the death of the sibling so that they can provide support and watch out for signs of stress or change in your child.

• School age (9 - 12 years old)

  Developmental reactions to death

  • Children at this age understand that death is not reversible, it is final, and that they too will die one day.
  • Children at this age may use the words “dying” and “death” more when talking about their sibling or other people in their family who have died.
  • Children at this age may act brave, become the “perfect child,” become withdrawn, and/or act out.

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  Ways to support

  • Give age-appropriate information about your child's death that is honest and concrete to help siblings better understand.
  • Encourage questions, share concerns, and talk about feelings.
  • It can be helpful to use books, games, and art to help your child express their grief.
  • It is important for this age group to keep a routine and continue going to school to help with consistency.
  • Make sure children at this age know who will be taking care of them (i.e., picking them up, helping with homework, etc.).
  • Let important people in your child’s life (such as teachers, counselors, pastors, or coaches) know about the death so that they can provide support and watch out for signs of stress or change in the child.

• Teens (13 - 18 years old)

  Developmental reactions to death

  • Teenagers may have an adult-like understanding of death.
  • Teenagers are more likely to think about the short-term and long-term effects that this death will have on themselves and their family.
  • Teenagers may ask detailed questions about their sibling's death or may not want to talk about their concerns.
  • Teenagers may talk with their friends about their sibling’s death because they place importance on peer relationships.
  • Teenagers may also withdraw from friendships if they are not sure how to talk to friends about their sibling's death.
  • Teenagers may have difficulty focusing on school and after-school activities.
  • Teenagers may "test fate" by showing increased high-risk or impulsive behaviors.

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  Ways to support

  • Give age-appropriate information about the sibling's death.
  • Let teenagers ask questions and talk about concerns regarding the death.
  • It is important for this age group to continue going to school to help with routine and consistency.
  • Let teenagers spend time with their friends so that they have increased opportunities to process their fears and concerns.

• "Legacy children"

  We use the term “legacy children” to refer to children who are born into a family after the death of a child from that family.

  • Even though legacy children never had the opportunity to meet or share life experiences with their sibling, they still share in the grief of the family.
  • Sometimes legacy children may talk about their sibling like they knew them, even though they never met. This is a common reaction. They know their sibling through you, through shared memories, pictures, videos, and mementos.
  • Legacy children may also grieve never having had the opportunity of knowing their sibling in their lifetime.