How to do a mental health check-in with kids

With growing concerns about kids' mental health, many parents are looking for ways to know how their child is really doing, emotionally.

Frequent check-ins are a great tool to help you know how your child is doing, day to day.

"If you check-in every day, it becomes a normal routine. You show your child that you’re in tune with what they’re going through. And you're better able to understand their individual temperament – which helps you know when something is a little off," said Marjorie Brown, LPC, Behavioral Healthcare Manager at Children’s Health℠.

Brown provides tips for parents and caregivers for how to regularly check-in with a child.

Related podcast
Learn how to do a mental health check-in with your child in this episode of the Children’s Health Checkup podcast.

What is a mental health check-in?

A mental health check-in is a way to check in on someone’s emotional well-being, at a particular moment in time. It helps you understand their mood, what’s happening in their lives and how they’re being affected by what’s happening.

How often should you do a mental health check-in with a child?

It's best for parents to check in with their child in some small way each day – and then do deeper weekly check-ins.

"I always remind parents that they know their child best. So, many times, if something is going on with their child and they're regularly checking in, they're going to recognize the signs," said Brown.

Daily mental health check-in questions

These are questions you can use for daily check-ins.

When they wake up:

• How did you sleep?

• How are you feeling this morning?

• How is your body feeling?

• What’s making you feel excited or nervous about the day ahead?

After school:

• How was school today?

• How did you feel about class/your classes?

• Did you have any hard tests or assignments?

• How are things going with your friends?

• Who did you spend time with today?

Get more ideas for questions you can use to ask your child about their day at school.

Weekly mental health check-in questions

Try to do a deeper check-in with your child once a week, especially if you notice anything concerning. With deeper check-ins, it’s important to sit down next to your child and give them your full attention – no scrolling or watching TV.

Questions you might use include:

• How have you been this week?

• What’s been the hardest part of your week?

• What made you really happy this week?

• What are you grateful for this week?

• Did anything get in the way of learning this week?

• Is there anything you need help with – or want to share with me?

• Have you had any rough experiences that you may need some support with?

• Do you have someone to turn to when you’re feeling down?

For example, if every day after soccer practice for a week, your child seems down, you might say: I’ve noticed that you seem down after soccer practice. Is there anything you want to talk about or need help with?

How to check-in if you suspect your child is being bullied

Many parents worry that their child is being bullied and wonder the best way to broach this subject with their child. If you see signs of bullying or suspect your child is getting bullied, know that it may be hard for your child to open up about it.

It can be helpful to start with some of these questions, asked in a casual way – as you drive home or prepare dinner.

• Are there any kids you’re having problems with?

• Are there any kids you don’t get along with?

• Are there any kids that make you feel afraid?

• Are there any kids you’re worried about?

As your child answers, try to be as understanding and non-judgmental as possible. Avoid talking too much or jumping in to plan how to confront your child’s bully. Those things can make a child shut down or stop sharing.

"From about age 10 and up, kids' friends and their social lives become very important to them, and that’s developmentally appropriate," Brown said. "It's important to avoid making your child feel like you might make things worse with their friends – or at school."

Instead, you could tell them: As a parent, my first job is to protect my child.

And give them a choice about what to do next:

• Would you prefer that I talk to the child’s parents first?

• Or would you prefer that I talk to the school counselor or your teacher first?

After they choose what to do next, reassure them by saying something like:

• I'm here to keep you safe.

• I'm going to be with you every step of the way.

• We're going to process this together.

If, after learning more, you feel your child might benefit from professional support, you could say:

• I want you to be able to talk to someone, judgement-free.

• I want you to have all the resources you need to deal with this.

• I think it would be good for you to have your own space to process this.

What if a child doesn’t want to talk?

It's common for teens to not want to talk to their parents. It can feel anxiety-provoking or scary to them. And some kids are just not very talkative in general.

Helping younger children talk about feelings

When a younger child is not very talkative, you might try to:

• Draw together. Ask them to draw a picture of their day – or what happened at recess.

• Play with dolls or stuffed animals. Holding up a doll or stuffie, you might say, “I wonder if they feel sad or scared” – to open up a conversation about feelings.

"Sometimes, it's easier to first talk about an object than directly about yourself," said Brown. "If you're patient and don't force the conversation, it can make it easier for the child to open up about their own feelings."

You can also download and print a "feelings chart" to use with a younger child to:

• Help them recognize when they’re having big emotions. You can point to a face on the chart while you say: You seem sad right now.

• Normalize the range of feelings everyone experiences. You might say: I feel frustrated right now. Everyone gets frustrated sometimes. And then you can model a healthy way to cope with frustration, like going for a walk or doing a breathing exercise.

• Check-in about their day. You might ask them to use the chart to show you what they felt when they were at school – or playing in the park with a friend. This can help them learn more about their emotions.

Getting older kids to open up

Sometimes, forcing a tween or teen to talk makes things worse because they feel backed into a corner. Some of the best ways to communicate with teens and have them open up to you is to give them plenty of space – and share your own feelings.

• Let them know you’re there when they’re ready. Say: I know you may not want to talk about it right now, but I'm here if you need me.

• Use television shows. Watching a show together can start a conversation about feelings or relationships. Say: I wonder what that character is feeling or thinking right now.

• Remind them that we all experience emotions. Share your own feelings with your teen. If you’re feeling happy, say: I'm so happy because I got to connect with a friend I haven't talked to in a long time today.

If you're concerned about your child's mental health

Given the rise of mental health problems in kids, parents are wise to practice daily check-ins with their kids.

If your check-ins leave you concerned, it's probably time to check in with your kid's teachers and other adults – to see if they're also noticing any changes or patterns. And then, when other adults express concern, a good next step is to check in with your child's primary care provider.

Primary care providers are trained to spot mental health problems. To support them, Children's Health created the Behavioral Health Integration and Guidance (BHIG) Initiative, which offers training to help detect, treat and manage mental health needs in collaboration with community behavioral health providers.

"Many people don’t realize that a child’s primary care provider can be a great resource to support their child's mental health – and help provide helpful resources for both kids and adults," said Brown.

Find mental health support for your child

Children’s Health is here to support the mental health and well-being of children of all ages. Explore more mental health resources for kids and teens or read additional articles in our mental health library.

You can also find a primary care doctor for your child near you, or learn more about our Pediatric Psychiatry and Psychology Programs and Virtual Behavioral Health visits.